Unsent

 I acted like a fool and a jerk in many ways and I believe in owning my shit and that I acted badly and hurtful to you. I am embarrassed and sorry for that. There is no “but this” about my behavior. I screamed at you on your birthday. I said many cruel things in the months before that, things that I had no right to say and things that I had no right to have an opinion about how much they would hurt you even if I was “just mad”. I was 34, not 17.

I can also be beyond hurt that the day you found out my cat was dying and I lost my health insurance, you told me I was toxic and you didn’t want to be my friend anymore after a disagreement that happened over Snapchat, where text is often misconstrued. To be fair, I drunk messaged you *again* and said awful things that are shameful and ridiculous. I do not defend or excuse this abusive behavior. You unfriended me on every social media platform, as is your right.

*Then* you sent me a card, postmarked from Minneapolis when you got back from your recent trip, thanking me for being on your last trip before that. This is *after* you had unfriended me on everything. I can not feasibly contact you in any way to discuss this discrepancy other than in person, which I feel is playing into the narrative of my behavior being erratic. I was confused by it, I was hurt by it, and I will never understand your intention. Did you write it before the fight? Was your roommate supposed to send them out and forgot? Or was it to be one last dig? I stared at that envelope for two days before opening it.

You still show up in my search bar, from “Friend” to “Person”, 481 mutuals be damned. I’m just trying to get my Monopoly Slots coins for the day. 

I am not a victim of anything but my own poor behavior. I am also allowed to feel hurt and confused.