Friday, June 27, 2014

Loring Park Episode #41: When It Rains, It Pours

It has been raining so much this month! Rumor has it that it'll rain all through Pride weekend, which will make all the religious people feel validated. One morning I was walking the two blocks to my car and I got so wet that I had to buy new pants when I went to work. They were red cords for only $7 because I got them from the boys' department.

I moved in with Jared. I haven't had a roommate since the year I moved out of the dude house and lived with my uncle Ander. I was probably very spoiled living with Ander, because Ander was a dream roommate. He's a Virgo, so he cleaned all the time and only pestered me about taking out my own garbage. He traveled a lot for work, never deleted my shows on the DVR until after I had watched them, and we had a two-bathroom. The only drawback of living there was that we were in St. Anthony, and I didn't become a bar star until my Loring Park days. However, I could no longer afford a studio in Loring Park (the rise of luxury buildings meaning the rent for the poor folks is going way up, too), so a two-bedroom was a salient option.

I joke that we are married. We have already gotten in fights at Target. He is organized. I am more financially responsible (which is faint, faint praise). We know each other's bowel movements. He has Netflix.

I think it will be okay and I just have to find a cute boy to teach me how to parallel park. I have had many friends offer to teach me, but I am 13 years old and therefore I want it to be a cute boy. Y'know how I never got my driver's license when I was 23? When I was 23, my mom hired a hunky driving instructor named Dan Ryan, but I never learned anything because I was too busy looking at Dan Ryan the whole time.

I am currently parked on Oak Grove Street and it is Pride weekend so I cannot go anywhere until Monday morning.


Writing for has been such an unexpected blessing. My editors have been so patient with me as I know as much about WordPress as I do about arithmetic (a typical e-mail: "Great article, Jakey! But the pictures need to be this many pixels and that many pixels and you have to cut and paste this and click this button and then click that button and spin around three times"). The really fun thing is that I can suggest things to write about if I'm already going to them, so I jumped at the chance to write about seeing Kathy Griffin at Mystic Lake Casino.

She was nothing short of amazing. She went for two hours. Meanwhile, I did five minutes at House of Comedy on Tuesday and they weren't even all that good.


There are still shenanigans at The Saloon, a place I should have been avoiding before Pride. First of all, I left my phone there, and when I came back it was dead, and they wouldn't release it to me until I could prove it was mine, so Joey and Jared had to bring my charger over there while I was still getting ready. My mature self appreciated their integrity and security, but my immature self was like, God DAMN, Saloon! I could buy a house with all the money I have spent here.

I ran into Cordero out of nowhere one night. "It's good to see you, shrimp," he said, and he ate my face. I didn't want to be that slutty person making out at the bar, and I also know that I have about two good years' left of fuckability, tops.

The problem with nightlife -- and I don't know if it's unique to gay bars or not -- is that alcohol brings out the douchiness in people. My father always told me that when somebody tells you something and they are intoxicated, believe them. Unless you are talking to me, because I am never one to gossip or tell tales out of school.

Jared and I were preparing to leave one night, and Chuck was going to drive us home (Chuck often does so, and I don't thank him enough). Someone -- who wasn't necessarily thin or ripped -- called Jared fat. Jared popped off, to the point that I thought he was going to get arrested. "Okay, we're done," I said, and I speed-walked across the street, thinking he was going to be behind me.

He wasn't, so I turned around to go get him. And then he thought, in his 2:45 A.M. wisdom, to go back to the guy and start shit.

Children, I WENT CRAZY. While Jared later told me he wasn't going to punch the guy, I had no way of knowing that. "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!" I cried, and I ripped my shirt off, in hopes that my horrendously pale skin would ware off any other offenders. It's hard out here for a Cancerian when people don't listen to him.

A week later, we were on the patio when a drunk man came up to us. I have met him before and he seemed very sad. On this evening, he seemed just to be mean and kept telling me that my skin was oily.

I wasn't even mad. "My Norwegian skin is not oily," I said. "It's dry and pale. You need to learn how to read."
"Um, I have a Ph.D," he slurred. "What did you get your degree in?"
"I don't have one," I said (which is a whole different blog entry). "I don't mean that kind of reading."

It didn't even upset me because there's so much that he could have read me for -- my thinning hair (hi, Ricky), my paleness, my anorexic yet hoggish body, et cetera et cetera. It made me sad, really. If you're going to be a mean drunk, stay home or drink club soda.

He used to work for WCCO for two seconds so he thought he was hot shit. Meanwhile, my favorite tall weatherman Jerrid Sebesta of KARE 11 is leaving town! He read my Tweet on the air once. When the wind blows, I will hear his name.

Leave the memories alone, Jerrid.


Jared and I went to The Saloon on the Wednesday that Cher was in town and pretended we had gone to the concert. I ran into Football Guy! Football Guy lives here now. He is my Minneapolis version of a celebrity crush because I had a big crush on him first, but now everybody does. I cannot blame anyone who has two eyes and a heart, to paraphrase Jack Donaghy.

"Football Guy!" I cried. "I'm not wearing make-up and I wish I would have gone to Cher but I didn't and ----"
Football Guy cut me off by imitating a loud siren and I couldn't tell if I was offended or turned on. It was the only interaction I had with him that evening, because he spent most of the night with a douchey sidekick who spent the whole time bragging about how many Instagram followers he had. I can not.

Celebrity was there and everyone was looking and I felt awkward and then O-Town's "Liquid Dreams" came on and I started screaming because I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, ASHLEY PARKER ANGEL.

I lied to T.J. and told him that Football Guy was my boyfriend.
"Really?!" T.J. asked.
"No," I pouted.
"He's huge," T.J. said. "He would crush you."
"That's kind of the point," I said.

T.J. and I were going to go to the movies but he keeps going out of town for weddings.
"How many weddings has he gone to?" Jared asked.
"He comes from a big family," I said.
"He's from Wisconsin," said Jared. "I'm sure there's nothing to do but hump!"
I may have put this joke in last week. I don't care. I like it that much.



I was on Facebook and found out from Kevin's mom via a Jesus meme she posted that Kevin has gone to Florida.

Florida is a euphemism now, because not even I am that much of an asshole.

Feelings are dumb.


Erin has a pool at her lovely St. Paul apartment. I took this picture because I thought that wearing swim trunks would mean I had a swimmer's body.

I also took it as this weird self-esteem thing. I put it in black & white because nobody needs to see all my ingrown hairs that look like chicken pox. Not even the Lord.

But I did it to tell myself that it is okay that I did not buy an elliptical or eat nothing but pomegranates or excessively do an ab challenge (like I was supposed to! Ugh!). This is how I look. It's probably how I am always going to look. If I am alive in ten years, I might look back at this picture the same way that I look at pictures of myself when I was 17, shaking my head and thinking, "What the hell did you think was wrong with you? You looked just fine! Now you're disgusting, but back then you were hot shit!"

Also, no one is going to be interested in me for my looks anyway. I'm the goofy one. I'm not the sexy one.

It's Pride weekend.

Maybe I can be proud of that.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Loring Park Episode #40: Mothers and Daughters

It has been so long, dear readers! I don't even have an excuse why this episode took two months to post. Some of it was kind of painful, so we'll go with that.

Chapter 1: Easter


Okay, not really.

But I'm struggling with my body.

When I'm naked, I have a flat somach.

When I put clothes on, this happens.

Yes, I *do* need to exercise more and tone things up, but I don't have a gut until I get dressed. Then a magic muffin top appears. I'm 5'7" with a crazy short torso, and I'm constantly standing next to people with great bodies. This is Robin, and he has abs you could grate cheese on.

Why did I bring up cheese? Now I just want some mozzarella sticks.

Anyway, this picture was taken on Easter Sunday, and was a lot of fun! I went with Jared, and we sat with some co-workers and Chuck. When I walked inside, Chuck's brother's roommate -- who is handsome and hetero -- was there with his girlfriend. I asked them if they would be willing to play a game with me. Let me tell you, this random 6'2" blonde dude played his part perfectly.

We went back to the patio where my friends were sitting, when the dude came up to me and said the line I gave him. "Jakey," he said. "You ... You didn't call me."
My female co-worker looked shocked.
"Well, I've been really busy," I said. "You look good."
"Thanks," he said. "I'm ... uh .... here with my girlfriend."
"Oh!" I cried, doing my best Emmy acting. "Hi. Nice to meet you."

They walked back inside and my co-worker was beside herself. "What was that?!" she cried. I love acting.

My mother soon picked us up to bring us to our grandparents' house for Easter. Jared had maybe one too many mimosas, and I was worried about him appearing too drunk for a religious holiday. Unfortunately, I was the one who came across as hammered when my Grandma Shirley opened the door.

"Where did the bathroom go?" were my first words. In my defense, they just moved to the townhouse and I had forgotten!

The dinner was delicious, and I felt grateful that my definition of family has been broadened. I was moving in with Jared soon, and while I describe him as my nonsexual life partner in a joking kind of way, he really is that, just in the way that Erin is my platonic soulmate and Joey is my adopted son. I fell asleep on my grandparents' bed, Jared fell asleep on the living room, and we were still more fun than my brother would have been. (I kid!)

On the way back to LUSH, I was freaking out because I thought I had left my keys in the car. Turns out I hadn't just left them in the car, I had left them in the ignition. I do not know how I survive, either. I am the reason my mother takes Lipitor.


New episodes are coming soon. I promise.

Remember Season One (episodes 1-13?) when I updated almost every week? We're trying to get back to that.

'Til then, here's a scandalous preview:

*A new job! (sort of)
*New boys! (ALWAYS)
*Old flames! (DAMMIT)
*A new roommate!
*Fights! Scandal! Sexy times!
*Jean Dujardin!