Today I went back to the gym for the first time in two weeks! I did NOT use a trainer! Here is the Jakey Workout for you kids at home:
*45 minutes on the elliptical with a result of 400 calories burned. Use an iPod and get really into Mariah Carey songs! Yell out lyrics like "I GAVE YOU MY HEART AND ALL YOU DID WAS POUND ON IT" and "LONG AS I KNOW YOU GOT ME, I'LL BE LOVIN' U LONG TIME". Pretend to not be embarrassed when people give you weird looks!
*Give a head nod to the janitor who is totally your Facebook friend but you forget his name. Then when you're in the car on the way home, of course you remember it!
*Then, head to the empty gymnasium for your Urijah Faber box jumps! Does Urijah Faber even do box jumps? Who knows? Let's pretend so we can feel more confident! Do 15 of these, followed by 15 step-ups with weights (alternating sets with each side), then 15 press-ups with weights. REPEAT.
*Notice those punching bags with you? Kick them randomly, whenever you feel like it! Pretend you are Trish Stratus. Feel free to yell out "CHICK KICK!" as you do it!
*Then go home and eat almonds, a turkey burger, and a disgusting blend of Diet Mountain Dew and Cherry UV! Congratulations! Soon your shit will be tight and you can get down to YOUR goal weight of 122 pounds and having abs like Brent Corrigan! DON'T GOOGLE THAT NAME.
Join us next week when we discuss how to lift even if there are jocks at the gym! Don't feel insecure!