Loring Park Episode #57: Hard Wired

Because I sincerely miss blogging and need to go back to it and not do it about things that happened months ago, we're just gonna recap everything that we missed and then do, like, a real episode soon*

*We celebrated Christ's 2015th birthday

It is always so nice to see Danny, who has now been made "Mr. Manuary" courtesy of FM 107.1! He can now join Jason Matheson in the annals of local celebrities that my mother finds more interesting than me.

Oh, I forgot to tell you guys. I was in a play!

I haven't done theater since the failed play five years ago, unless you count If They Shoot 25-Year-Old Gay Men, Don't They? -- but I don't count that since I wrote it, directed it, and played myself. Instead, I was cast as Danni in "Hard Wired", a romantic comedy about a couple who breaks up but then finds themselves accidentally dating again via technology. My part was the easy Sean Hayes part while the other three actors (who were so amazing and gracious) had to do the, y'know, actual ACTING. With all that, I wasn't mad when a review said I stole the show with a stage presence concealed beneath my small frame. I was so happy for the opportunity and felt so blessed by all the people that came to see it. We had four performances at Bryant Lake Bowl in January.

Erin extended her stay in town, in part for a cheaper flight, but also in part so see she could see the show! Here she is with my parents and grandparents. My dad was there and chose to be paparazzi instead.

On the left is my lovely and ageless Auntie Lynn. She doesn't like to drive so her husband drove her to the show and then got coffee for an hour because he doesn't like plays. It's a good thing we weren't doing Angels in America. (See, because that show, is like, six hours long. Also, who the hell would I play in Angels in America?)


Tan Man came to the show and brought a gaggle of gays who all sat in the front row. The other actors were amused by it. "Is that front row all your friends?" they asked. "Why are all they so hot?"
"Because they all do fitness and that crap," I said.

Martha and Deborah came, Joey and his work friends came, two aunts and another uncle came, my friends Julie and Adam came (I agreed to go on a cruise with her this year, then had to tearfully call her two weeks later and tell her I can't afford a piece of shrimp on a cruise -- she was kind about the whole thing), and I felt very blessed for the great turnout. There were a few people whose absence was a bummer (my brother and my roommate), but people have their own lives to live.

Did I mention I'm super poor? And when I say that I'm poor, I mean that it's my fault I'm poor. Capital One is suing me. I am finally living out my dreams of being a Real Housewife on Bravo when I can talk incessantly about my upcoming lawsuits.


Anyway, everyone but me went to Vegas, and I got to field questions for a month about why I wasn't going to Vegas. The Vegas crew was Jared, his boyfriend, his mom, Fred, Steve, Joey and Liam. Girls from work were ALSO going to be in Vegas at the same time. I felt like hot fried shit. On a Thursday night when I was in my pajamas for money, I saw that they were checked into the Mariah Carey concert at Caesar's Palace and I went from feeling like hot fried shit to hot fried shit AND a side of bacon.

Steve texted me that night and said that they didn't go, and the person who tagged them in that was trying to get attention from me -- oh, I forgot to mention I was tagged in it, too, with a super cute "Jakey would be jealous." Yeah. Because that's what friends do, right? After a few more instances of idiocy, I effectively cut that person out of my life. It's a weird thing that happens when you get older. Yes, I hate that I'm bald and fat and act like a puffy coke whore, but I love that I don't care about toxic people anymore. I have so many wonderful sources of positivity in my life (see above! all the people who came to the show!), that I don't need to fake-nice to people who don't deserve it from me.

While the boys were in Vegas, I went to The Saloon for the Super Bowl Party! I wanted to make stupid jokes all day about throwing things in the basket.

The Uber had arrived and I didn't want to keep her waiting, and as I shut the door, my keys at the end of the chain were now on the other side of the door. FUCK!!

I yanked as hard as I could and they fell off the chain ... on the other side of the locked door. Well, this was a real fumble. Did I mentioned Jared was in Vegas??

I went to the party to watch Lady Gaga sing and to take a picture of Brandon, who was one of the shot boys and to prove that my Super Bowl party was better than your Super Bowl party.

My friend Ria was reeling from a weird man who was hitting on her and wouldn't stop (this was a gay bar! And Ria is married! And he eventually got kicked out). I told her of my keys situation and to  a kind and handsome older man who I have made out with before. I decided to walk back home to save on Uber money and find a way out of this situation.

I Googled locksmiths -- so expensive -- and looked up articles about how to break into your own apartment. I finally walked upstairs and banged on the door of the kind boy upstairs, who is a soft-spoken artistic twink. He was able to open the back door for me and all was well. I Ubered back to The Saloon and a kind blond go-go boy offered me raffle tickets. He was trying to be sexual with it and I never know how to react in some kind of situation (he put them in his crotch and wanted me to grab them from there).

"Good luck, Jakey," he smiled with teeth that could light up Alaska in the winter.

So he knows my name already. Huh. #egotist

I totally forget who won the game or who even was playing. Oh! Denver and Carolina! There we go. I mainly remember that Ria and I won the raffle!

We chose the coconut water vodka because it sounded healthy and Ria is on a big health kick. I pressured her into eating Chex Mix with me and she blamed me when she gained two pounds the next week. (Brandon was bemoaning that he gained ten, but it was probably in muscle. Have you seen his body? Good Lord.)

I took a brief road trip to Somerset, WI, to perform a roast for the owner of T-Buckets.

From l-r: Dave Primeau, Hessley Ray, Daryl Hornor, and some red-faced nancy boy

It may sound disingenuous because I had only performed there once before, but T-Buckets is one of my favorite places to perform. It's just past Stillwater and it is blue collar country. There is a giant American flag in the back and a picture of Brantley Gilbert, a country star who I had never heard of and later Googled after finding out from the roastee's wife and daughter that it's their favorite singer. I would later say that he looked like a mix between Duck Dynasty and gay porn.

Oh, like I'm wrong? He is serving Colin Wayne realness in this pic. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go upstairs and sit on my cell phone and call myself with the house phone over and over. I am at my parents' house and they have a landline.

Anyway, I was nervous at this show because I missed the exit and I had to drive around rural Wisconsin for ten minutes, and I had NOTHING prepared. I barely knew the owner of the bar and wasn't sure how comfortable I could roast him, and I knew some of the other comics, but would they want to be roasted, too? I went fourth. Daryl was the host so he talked for about half an hour. A few gay jokes were made at my expenses, but nothing hacky or offensive. This was my favorite:

"I'm addicted to soap operas. It's gotten bad. Every day at noon I grab my popcorn and I have to sit and watch Jakey Emmert's Facebook." - Jeff Talberg

That's funny shit, right?

I went up there and did the Brantley Gilbert joke and made fun of the owner's Facebook and generally acted like an asshole. "I didn't know who exactly Shawn was so I just said Happy Birthday to everyone with a beard, " I said. "So I owe an apology to several of the men here and some of the women."

They gave me $50 for being the funniest roaster (which I was so not). Shawn and Traci are two of the classiest, hardest-working people I have ever had the chance to meet, and hopefully I can be there again this spring. I want to bring a bunch of gays to Stillwater and then we'll show T-Buckets a good time.

Oh, and a beautiful butch lesbian came up to me and said that last time I was there she felt she was able to be herself after she saw me perform. Oh, comedy. I just can't quit you.

This is my new weekly gig at The Gay 90s! My parents are so proud. We watch really bad gay porn in the bar attached to the men's bathroom (but women are welcome) and we eat popcorn and during half-time we play Twister (which is more fun than the porn, really). What, you think I'm gonna blog for the first time in a few months and not try to plug my shit? I should also tell you that my episode of DistilledTV drops next week. It's a web show where artists debate mundane topics (movies, food, relationships) over liquor. You can't shame the shameless. I would like to buy some shame, to quote Kathy Griffin.

I was truly most excited to be in Drag Queen Game Night again. I hadn't done the show in almost a year and the last time I did it I was a bit overzealous with the free booze and was drunk by halftime (oh, and I was put after intermission). This time I drank far less and was adamant that I was to perform before intermission. The professional producers at Delta Mu Productions were more than accommodating, and this was our most diverse show ever! I was paired with leather queen Aurora Lee for all of our games, and we were put up against drag king Tyler T. Love and resident queen Bad Karma. My friend Colin from work got called up and won twice, and I got to play with Jared, who just barely lost at Smack That Bottom! Agggh!!

Also, the nice dancer boy -- the same one from the Super Bowl -- let me wear his green shirt for my stand-up. I am going to call him Sven. He looks like a Sven.

Another day at the office, right? This picture had close to 80 likes on my Facebook because you all are a bunch of perverts. Also, I don't have a crush on him at all even if he was in charge of my mike pack and let me shamelessly use him for a sight gag during my entrance.

"He is 20," I told my mom when she saw the picture.
"Oh, God," she sighed. "Give me my phone. I am going to call in an AMBER Alert."

Here is a picture of me and my friend "The Kev". He is straight and can't help that he was born that way.

My life always goes to crap in April, so maybe I'm being pre-emptive about it.

I might (gasp!) not be out and about at the bars until May. I know! I mean, I'll still be at the RuPaul viewing parties (Mondays), and I'll be at The '90s (Sundays from 10-12) for as long as they'll have me, but other than that ... I don't know. It's time to re-group. Recalibrate. Be around people who respect you. April will bring up a certain milestone of my life that only is a big deal if I make it a big deal, and that's up to me, but a year can be a really long time.