1. I
lost my phone on Friday, stone cold sober, while running errands with Jared and
Liam.
2. My
computer crashed and burned that night. These things come in threes. Jared
graciously let me borrow his laptop, and I am forever grateful. However, I
threw away my router password like a dumbshit and thus the Internet only works
25% of the time. Refresh refresh refresh.
3. I
ran into a high school crush at The Saloon, and while I have no idea why a
straight guy would be there at 1:50 A.M. on a Friday night, I had enough liquid
courage to tell him that I had a crush on him all through high school and that
Erin McCloskey and I called him Colonel Brandon so we could talk about him
behind his back. He was surprisingly not freaked out.
4. I
went to The Eagle on Friday and kept asking people how to aim a shotgun so I
could properly go “bear-hunting”. I learned from Jack that if you are a bear
with a smartphone, there are approximately 87 different hook-up apps you can
download.
5. I
went to work on Saturday and it was surprisingly a breeze! I texted Joey and
was excited to reunite with him. He was on the fence between the ‘90s and The
Saloon, and I said I would probably stop at The Saloon to look for a certain
boy. “Kevin?” Joey asked. “No, of course not,” I said. “OMG, then who?” Joey
wrote back. “Kevin,” I said. “I was being sarcastic.”
6. Kevin
gave up drinking and will not ever be at The Saloon ever again. He told Joey
this via text message, but he does not contact me anymore, and I am totally
fine with this.
7. By
totally fine, I mean I bawled my eyes out in the car like a dumb homo and then
subsequently told everyone and their dog about it at work when I got back from
break. I work with people who have gone through ten times the shit that I have
and you would never know it. Meanwhile, I am sad about a BOY who I met THREE
WEEKS AGO and he thinks I am shit on a shoe and therefore MY LIFE IS OVER I
WANT TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DIE.
8. OMG,
am I really wasting all my Pride sentences about Kevin? I will say this: I have
only fallen in love with boys from the Internet or unattainable straight guys,
and despite the fact that we never did anything physical, he will always be a “first”
for me. I think I was saddest that he does not want a damn thing to do with me,
but there are other fish in the sea.
9. I
want that fish.
9b. OK, I totally
get that I am putting him on a pedestal, but he was jocky and fratty and
intelligent and complicated and tragic and complex and arrogant and blunt and
sensitive and ridiculous and ambitious and frustrated and broken and connected
and incredulous and silly and while we only had two of them because I am not
counting the Prince Eric one, I will most cherish the mornings, when I would
sneak in a Listerine strip, pretend I was still sleeping, and surreptitiously navigate
my body as close to his as I could. I was in love with Drew and I was in love
with Puppy, but they were from the Internet, and while I was certainly not in
love with Kevin, the mornings are what I always imagined a real relationship
felt like.
9c. I will never
write of him again.
10. No
one made out with me all weekend, and that is probably karma for telling people
at work that I was taking over-under bets for what number I would get. I think
the highest bidder was 12.
11. When
Jared is Level Three drunk, he is the most hilarious person in the world. “STOP
THAT TWINK!!” he yelled in the park, and a buff dude turned around and was
like, “Did you just call me a twink?” “Yes,” I said. “I could break you in
half.”
12. When
Jared is Level Four drunk, he is not the most hilarious person in the world.
13. I
babysat Jared during the latter half of the weekend, is what I’m saying. I
screamed at his gal pal this afternoon. My anger was misplaced and I apologized
for yelling, but I still meant every word that I said (I just could have said
it in a regular tone of voice and with a dozen less F-bombs).
14. HOLY
SHIT, MYA!! She was great at The Saloon. She did “Case of the Ex” second and
Jared and I, in happier times, queened the fuck out. “I have one question for
you, Minneapolis,” she said. “Where are my soul sisters at? Let me hear them
soul sisters. Hey, sister, go, sister soul, sister go, sister go, HE MET
MARMALADE DOWN ON OLD NEW ORLEANS!!!” Jared and I urinated on ourselves and on
each other and the strangers near us.
15. I
thoroughly enjoyed getting to know Liam as a person these past few weeks. He is
a hoot.
16. I
have been telling a lot of people they are a “hoot” this week, but I genuinely
mean it. Some people even get called “a hoot and a half”. I grabbed one blond
man and said “I sat next to you at Lush last year at Meghan McNamer’s table,
and I just think you are a hoot and a half.” Also a hoot and a half are Chuck’s
boyfriend Peter, Liam’s Gal Pal, and that *hilarious* Star Quarterback who is
so beautiful but manages to look pissed ALL THE TIME. I imagine he is a pistol
at parties, and I am not just saying that because I’m bitter that he’s not even
polite enough to give me a courtesy eye-fuck.
17. Channing
Tatum(‘s publicist) Tweeted me when I sang the praises of someone in a “Magic
Mike” T-shirt who gave me a block party ticket for half price because my drunk
ass lost mine. I LOSE EVERYTHING.
18. I
went to the A-list recovery party on Monday afternoon. I did not have my face
on and looked like sheer and utter hell.
19. I
got flirted with more at that party than I did all weekend when I was all
gussied up in designer clothes and Clarins foundation. At one point I had
actually convinced people I was a sophomore in high school. There is a lesson
there somewhere.
20. I
have glitter all over my apartment.
21. I
AM SO FREAKING SUNBURNED. For the first time in my life, I decided to wear a
tank top (I still have Liam’s. WHOOPS.) Yay for self-esteem because I never
looked twinkier in my life, but now I would like to bathe in a vat of
Solarcaine.
22. At
4:30 AM. On Saturday night, Joey decided he wasn’t sleeping over at my
apartment and then I listened to “Brighter Discontent” by The Submarines on
repeat, even though I have no idea what I was expecting.
23. Joey
apologized right away Sunday morning and all was well in gay world. Feelings
are weird.
24. I
spent all of Sunday taking pictures of hot guys with my disposable camera. Some
were sneak pictures, but most of them were me coming up to them and asking if I
could get a picture, and because it is
Pride Weekend, most of them were ridiculously cute boys from Iowa who probably
assume that this is just how we do things in Minneapolis.
25. I
have been measuring happiness by all of the wrong quantities. I may have the
sex life of a nun, a sub-zero checking account, a hellacious case of sunburn,
and something gross is going on with my gums right now, but I really am
blessed. Happy Effing Pride. Vote No in November.
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