2021: My Year of Owning It (Part 1)

I may possibly edit this with visually appealing pictures, or do an addendum with more details. However, Dear Reader, I really wanted to get this out there before midnight, and nothing motivates me like a deadline. I also want to go to the pool and hot tub because I booked myself a room at The Westin, which is my happy place. I cannot afford to do such an impulsive thing. That is the first thing I will own

I had to re-learn a lot of lessons this year. My most important one is that my life is not a Real Housewives show, that individual friendships matter more than the group, or who is the queen bee of the group, or who likes who better in the group. But maybe it's the nature of gay men that we do this. In any case, I went from being a Season 7 Dorinda Medley to a Season 11 Dorinda Medley, and it was truly sad. Lisa Rinna, on another housewives show, always talks about "owning it". So with this, I can only hope to begin owning it.

I went on a medical leave for the month of March, in a way to save my job as my attendance was dismal. I planned to be lucrative and healthy that month. Then I wouldn't get paid for it, and not knowing where your money is coming from is not very good for your mental health. And thus, I pretended to live like nothing was wrong, even though I technically didn't have a job (other than freelance delivery driving for UberEATS).

Because of COVID-19, my dear friend Erin couldn't go back to London right away, and it was a lovely benefit to have here as long as we did. She, Jared, Jayden and I playing Mystery Date was a highlight of the year. Erin, Jared, and I went out to eat at The Loop, which was known to be a "hotspot". I stress that this was at the end of March, and I had a vaccine booked at a pharmacy that I knew would be on the way to Treasure Island Casino. Speaking of casinos, my mother drove my father to one three hours away to get his vaccine, and I declined her offer.

The weekend before I was going to return to work, my friend Elijah was planning a surprise birthday party for our friend Duke. I am going to let you know how complicated this group was by the number of names I will drop.

The party was at Robin's house. I was going to go with Jayden, even though at the last minute we both expressed feelings of uneasiness. Jayden was sort of on the outs with Lee, who he felt acted differently whenever he hung out with Kelly, who played a very exaggerated version of Jayden in a play I wrote once. I didn't share the same perception, although did find it odd that they seemed to only speak in Schitt's Creek quotes as if it was their own language. Also, last time Duke was drunk he had offended my 21-year-old friend baby gay Kennedy, and I wanted Kennedy to condone that I was going to this party before I went. He did, because Kennedy was the youngest but was somehow the most emotionally mature out of all of us. I was excited for the surprise party even though I felt pangs of sadness because the happiest day of my life was when Steve threw me one, and that was a different life. Everything went off without a hitch, Duke was surprised, we sang karaoke, Elijah brought delicious food, and when we played games I got to sit by Robin's hunky fiance, who we somehow kept giving random Canadian surnames.

All was well in my gay corner of the world, and I was excited to go back to work and cherish the opportunity and second chance to be perceived as a functional adult in the world.

And then, well ...

Just as Icarus burned by flying too close to the sun, I thought I was invincible after almost making it to my first vaccine. And I got COVID. So did Jared, because he couldn't smell cologne. I think we got it from The Loop. And then I gave it to half the party, including Duke (happy birthday!), Robin and his fiance (thanks for having us!), and someone else who then spread it to his sister.

Thankfully, none of them experienced major symptoms and were healthy after their quarantine.

As for me, I got it bad. Worse than my bout of Influenza B during that Valentine's Day, or my bout of Influenza A during that St. Patrick's Day. No, this COVID on Easter kicked my ass. Also, what is with it with my health and spring holidays???

I felt so bad for my boss and co-workers, who now had to see my return delayed for another two weeks. I felt so bad for everyone at the party. And I didn't want to feel bad for myself, but I did feel bad for my mother, who essentially saved my life. Because she is a nurse at North Memorial, I got VIP treatment when I visited to get fluids after a week, as I could not keep a damn thing down. It hurt to even swallow. 

During some nights, I thought I would die from it.

I realized during those nights that I didn't care if I did, and it would be easier for my loved ones than if I died by suicide.

I lashed out at my health-conscious friend Casey when he said he wasn't surprised I got it. He was gracious enough to accept my apology, and understand that I was only upset about his comment because I was really sick, and if I wasn't then I might have thought it was funny.

The mental illness and depression never went away. I also learned that I could not drink the way I did anymore, as I could no longer remember names and conversations I had after one or two, and my attitude and demeanor changed me into a mean drunk.

But did I stop, Dear Reader? No. And now we continue to Own It.

I went out after my first vaccination, which was stupid. I ran into Steve. I wasn't used to seeing Steve out in the wild, even though I had plenty of time to get used to it. He was newly single, and bought a house. He is seven years younger than me. Millennials only have something like 12% of the housing market, I read in an incredibly depressing New York Times article about a Brooklyn couple trying to buy a house in Austin. His success should have made me feel nothing but happiness, and instead I felt sad, jealous, and pining for a life I didn't necessarily want.

I tortured that man for years. He started hanging out with Lee a lot, and it felt like Lee stopped inviting me to things. I felt weird about this because I thought Lee and I were rather close, but it had to all have been in my head. Lee wouldn't have stopped hanging out with me because of Steve. That is stupid. How insecure would I be to think that?

A month later, I met up with Reid at The Saloon during Pride Version 1.0 (Minneapolis basically had two Prides, but the second fell on my birthday and the busiest season of work). We said hi to Lee, and then he walked away and moved, and I realized Steve was with him. They both walked away. It was still all in my head, and I wanted to see my friend Seth anyway! Seth was helping me plan my birthday party and used to live with Steve, Emilio, and Emilio's hunky 20-year-old boyfriend Josh, who is a very good singer. I got drunk and tried to kiss Josh once and felt terrible and sent them both a gift card and a note and it was never discussed again. 

I went back into the bar, which was the last thing I should be doing. Kennedy walked up to me full of exuberance. "Hi, Mom!" he cried. (He is my baby gay and calls me Mommy, and this isn't weird at all. You're weird). "Let's hang out soon just me and you. I hope it isn't awkward that I came here with Lee and Steve."

"Oh my god, no, of course not," I lied through gritted teeth. NOW IT WAS AWKWARD. BECAUSE NOW I KNEW.

An hour later, I made an absolute fucking ass of myself on the patio when Steve asked Kennedy if he wanted a ride. He meant back to Lee's where his car was parked, but in my tequila-soaked wisdom, I thought he meant something completely different.

"GO FUCK HIM," I yelled loud enough that people staying at The Hampton Inn could hear. "GO. I DOIN'T CARE. YOU'RE SINGLE AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. HAVE A GREAT TIME."

"You're insane," Steve whispered and they both left.

Kennedy texted me the next day and said we needed to talk. I was hung over and working at the outlet store in a different city, so I was already in a mood. "No, we don't," I said. "I'm embarrassed and you don't owe me anything.":

"But I'm your friend and you screamed at me," Kennedy said.

"I'm sorry I did that," I said.

"I wasn't going to sleep with Steve," Kennedy said.

"It's none of my business," I said, and that was the truth.

"But I wouldn't do that to you," Kennedy said, and for the second time this year, I couldn't figure out how my youngest friend was the most direct and emotionally mature out of anyone I knew.

Steve even forgave me and graciously invited me to his post-Pride party, and there wasn't any drama at all until the end, when our perpetually shirtless friend William gave me the business for basically inviting myself, and then I felt really embarrassed and stupid. I was only there to see the dog, anyway.

July: It Gets Worse, And Not Just Because I Turn 35

Kennedy, Piano Man, Jayden and I went to a 4th of July drag brunch on the CRAVE rooftop, where Seth was planning my upcoming birthday party. I hadn't seen Piano Man in person for a while, and he still oozed sex. It was also hot as hell, and I don't know how the hell those drag queens didn't get heatstroke. "I didn't know this was outdoors," I apologetically told everyone as I chugged an entire pitcher of water.

"You're so obviously into him," Kennedy giggled.

"I am only woman," I demurred.

When it was over, Piano Man drove back to Red Wing, where he was staying with his family. Jayden declined a ride home from Kennedy and walked elsewhere. We giggled that he was getting laid. He even turned off his location. "Good for him," I declared, and thanked Kennedy for the ride home as he left to work his managerial shift at Zumie's, because that is what you do when you are a Gen-Z gay. I stopped in once and felt like a grandparent, but I still bought socks that say FUCK IT and I have no shame.

I would see later on Snapchat that Jayden had gone to Lee's to play games. I was not invited. Jayden had earlier expressed dismay that he wasn't invited to things. I did not take this well. I said terrible things in anger. It got so bad that Jayden wasn't even going to go to my birthday party. How eighth grade was this?

Seth planned my birthday party at CRAVE. I got drunk and cancelled it because I was mad. Seth was beyond livid at me. I put the event link back up, and my friends were confused as hell but understanding about it. Jayden and I even reconciled, as Reid was a good Judy and helped explain his possible perspective to me. I think it can be a good thing to have the strong feelings I have, but it is not good to express those feelings in a way that hurts others.

As for my party, Seth did a masterful job of planning it -- then said he was sick and didn't show up! It still went off without a hitch. Jared even showed up first! Reid, Jared, and my parents sat at my table, as did my hunky friend Bryce, who looks like a sexy lumberjack. Steve came with Randall, Chuck and Raymond, and later my friends Denzil and Ashley showed up. My brother bought his own posse, including his nonsexual life partner Art, and they sat with Jayden, who showed up and brought his sister! All was well and I learned the importance of grace and forgiveness. Reid and Jared missed the group photo because they were out smoking. Everyone gave me wonderful gifts. Randall got me a Trish Stratus T-shirt, Chuck and Raymond got me enough Listerine strips and candy to last me at least a month, and my brother gave me a beautiful airbrushed drawing of my beloved tortoise shell cat, Penny Ann. 

But cycles kept repeating themselves, and we finally got to the pinnacle of every Real Housewives season: THE GROUP TRIP! In which I was even worse than Dorinda. I was the Ramona! Which we will get to when I get back from the hotel tonight, because there are three hours left of 2022 and I want go to the hot tub, get decently pretty, get my outfit together, and somehow make it to The Saloon, where I will not scream at anyone or drunk message Steve or wallow in self-pity.

Next episode: The highs and lows of the group trip, Reid's exciting new ventures, and the most devastating loss of all.