So if I
focus on all of this stuff and not the fact that my finances and profession
have not improved in any way, and that I still have invested far too much time
and energy and ideas of self-worth in THE THING, life isn’t half-bad.
Let’s begin.
The Princess of Arizona
There is no Arizona
No painted desert, no sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he told her
But they don’t exist
Those dreams they sold her
She’ll wake up and find there is no Arizona
Remember
for my third annual 29th birthday when my brother gave me tickets to the Royal
Rumble and a life showing of the “There’s Something to Wrestle With” podcast?
That time of year finally came!
I was
leery of traveling alone with my brother. The last trips I have taken were with
any combination of Jared, Steve, and Joey, and you want to travel with your
friends that know your quirks. (For example, Jared is going to sleep all the
time but he’s gonna help me pack my bags in the morning. Joey will flirt with
dangerous strangers but will be open for any new ideas. Steve is a Virgo and
they make very good traveling buddies when it comes to logistics). My brother …
I didn’t know. It was a city I wasn’t familiar with at all. I am a space cadet
and he has a short fuse. Like Lilliputian short.
So of
course it was a great omen that I couldn’t find my debit card right before we
left, and that I didn’t realize this until we were already on the way to pick
him up. We raced back to the house but it was nowhere to be found. My mother
spotted my hopeless ass some cash. Then there was major traffic on the freeway
(our flight left on a Saturday afternoon) and I was terrified of missing it. We
were flying out of Terminal 2 via Sun Country, so having CLEAR wouldn’t benefit
me this time. We made it to the flight with much time to spare, because it
ended up being delayed, and we sat on the runway for what felt like forever. We
were toward the back, surrounded by a screaming baby and an obnoxious dude who
was trying to talk to everyone while we were in line, and then he kept talking
his seatmate’s ear off about his personal training career and his Instagram and
I ALREADY WANTED TO DIEEEEEEEE.
I had
booked the hotel, and then the hotel had a hard time finding my reservation (I
had booked it through Hotels Tonight), and by the time we finally got to the
room, we realized it only had one bed. It would have been great if I were
traveling with Finn Balor, but I was with my BROTHER. Also, I did not
understand the shower at all - it was like an open room and you could sit down
in it and everything, and there was a full-length mirror so you were forced to
look at your own naked body the entire time. I added it to my Instagram story
(a video of just the shower itself, not ME showering -- save that for the
OnlyFans gays!) and a friend of mine with a sex life messaged me that “Jakey,
that’s a fuck-me shower”. I know nothing!
I bought
far too expensive shaving cream at the airport but didn’t buy a liquor bottle,
and then I wanted to buy a bottle of vodka and the liquor store wasn’t within
walking distance. My brother thought the idea of drinking in the room was a
ridiculous concept. And maybe it was, but, again, I always travel with The
Gays, and pre-gaming in the room has always been a thing. I took an Uber to the
liquor store and got the same sexy sexy Guatemalan driver both times. Also, IN
PHOENIX THEY HAVE DRIVE-UP LIQUOR STORES. WHAT IN THE WHAT.
I met up
with Dane at the hotel bar, and then we didn’t even go out! We didn’t use the
pool, either, because it was a very homophobic 50 degrees. We were surprised by
how tired we both were, but we had just turned 32 and a half the week prior.
Also, Phoenix is in Mountain Time so Saturday Night Live airs, y’know,
LIVE, at 9:30 PM and I really think that just threw off my entire circadian
rhythm. (I wish we had gone out, because my friend The Jason was out both
nights and I didn’t get to see him. Boo!)
The next
day was Rumble day! First, we walked around downtown Phoenix, where there was a
bunch of signage for the Royal Rumble and WWE (similar to what Minneapolis has
done when hosting things like the Final Four, All-Star Game, or Super Bowl. And
yes, this is the most I have ever discussed sports in one blog. Come on in,
gays, the water’s fine). Then we went to the Something to Wrestle With podcast,
which was at a famous comedy club and now the name escapes me. The meet and
greet was in the morning before the show, but Dane thought it was after so we
missed it. Ugh!
The
hosts, the affable Conrad Thompson and Bruce Pritchard (who, we would late
learn, was finalizing meetings that weekend to re-join WWE as a writer), were
great. They did their usual banter and then opened the floor up to questions. I
raised my hand and a microphone was quickly put in my face. No pressure!
“Who
surprised you the most by how good or how bad they were when they had to do an
acting performance?” I asked. A big part of wrestling is the storyline aspect,
the drama or soap opera if you will, and it’s always interesting to see who
excels and falters.
“Great
question,” said Bruce, and I felt like a star student. He said that Shawn
Stasiak couldn’t talk to save his life, and Vickie Guerrero surprised him the
most -- she even came up with the idea to be a TV character. (A woman with
unconventional looks for the product, she had amazing heat as a heel during her
run. If you don’t know what those words mean, why are you even reading the
wrestling section of this blog?)
“Also, we
want to thank you for betraying the stereotype about wrestling fans and
bringing a Y chromosome in here,” said Conrad. It was a smart joke about me
being a woman. You see, he couldn’t see me from the stage -- we were close, but
I know from experience what lighting in a comedy club is like. This was similar
to ACME Comedy Club, and you can only see the first two rows (if that) because
of how things were lit. I hadn’t used my “dude voice” or lowered my register in
any capacity, so it was an uncomfortable moment of misgendering, but I wasn’t upset
by it. The people at our table awkwardly murmured, and I quickly hoped for the
next question.
“HE
THINKS YOU’RE A GIRL,” Dane said loud enough that they could hear him in
Flagstaff.
“Yeah, I
got it,” I said. I forgave Conrad immediately but now I was pissed at Dane.
The Q
& A was still enjoyable until maybe the last few questions. Something
to Wrestle With is one of the top, if not the top, pro wrestling
podcast. Everyone wants a piece of that pie, right? So everyone with the last
few questions (all dudes, mind you, so Conrad had a point, although there were
two women with their boyfriends or husbands at our table -- the inverse of a My
Favorite Murder live podcast) felt it was necessary to, before asking their
question, PLUG THEIR OWN PODCAST BEFORE THE QUESTION. One dude had such a long
preamble I thought I was on Game of Thrones.
Bruce
signed 8 x 10’s for the VIP’s after the show, and was very nice to my brother
and me. I even joked that I was the lady who asked the first question.
We soon
walked to Chase Field, where it was time for the Royal Rumble! The line was
insanely long, and Dane and I quickly walked around the building and used the
side entrance that no one else seemed to be using. Fools, all of them!
I won’t
bore with you with details of the entire show, but I will share the highlights
and lowlights.
Highlights:
*The first match being Asuka vs. Becky Lynch, because when Asuka was here for TLC in Minneapolis in her WWE debut, I WAS IN LINE FOR MINI DONUTS.
*My
husband Finn Balor.
*Seeing
Ronda Rousey live was a real treat.
*The boy
next to me who drove up from Mexico and knew the product way better than I did,
especially a lot of the surprise entrants in the women’s royal rumble from NXT
or NXT UK, who I knew hardly anything about.,
*The boy
next to Dane who may have been on the spectrum and watched it like it was real.
He would say things like “I don’t like Alexa Bliss because she is a brat”, and
his enthusiasm was infectious.
*NIA JAX
ENTERING THE MEN’S ROYAL RUMBLE AT #30, ELIMINATING MUSTAFA ALI, THEN TAKING A
SUPERKICK, THE 619, AND THE RKO. THE CROWD WENT APESH FOR ALL OF THIS.
BECKY
LYNCH TAKING LANA’S SPOT AND ENTERING THE ROYAL RUMBLE AND WINNING THE ROYAL
RUMBLE. THE CROWD WENT APESHIT FOR ALL OF THIS. It was one of those things in
wrestling where the outcome is a foregone conclusion but the execution is so
great that it doesn’t matter.
Lowlights:
The show
was way too damn long. My brother argued that it was the structure of the show
(two rumble matches on one card, for one thing), but there were too many
matches as well. WrestleMania was even longer, to the point that the main event
started at MIDNIGHT and thousands of people were stranded in the New Jersey
rain because the last train had already departed.
The
Women’s Royal Rumble had surprise entrants with new wrestlers, but no one came
back for a surprise, unlike last year which had Trish, Lita, Torrie Wilson,
Jacqueline, et cetera. That was a major letdown.
THE
ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE OF A WOMAN SITTING IN FRONT OF US. During the very first
match, my brother cheered and she turned around and told him to be quiet. We
were at a WWE pay-per-view in a baseball stadium, not a freaking library. At
first I felt bad for not responding, but Dane held his own very well, and she
never complained during the rest of the show. The girl behind us also made
snarky comments, so it was like we were all on the same side. I also found it
notable that her husband and twentysomething kids were stone cold silent the
entire time, as if they expected it. Literally ten seconds before Seth Rollins
won the men’s royal rumble, thereby ending the show, she turned to her husband
and said they should leave to beat the traffic. He rolled his eyes and got up
without saying anything. He was used to this. “Or we can wait,” she said,
therefore making it all his fault. They left and the show was over before they
probably got to the top of the stairs. The woman was terrible and I
wanted to apologize to Steve for every single stupid fight we ever had.
As for
the flight back home, I am a slow riser in the morning, so Dane called my bluff
when I told him to go without me. I made my flight back by the skin of my
teeth. I used CLEAR at the airport, had to dump out all the liquids in my bag
(including the expensive shaving cream and the bottle of vodka), and yelled
“Fuck you” to Dane as I made it to the gate with two seconds to spare. I had
become the horrible woman from the wrestling show! When I told Dane the
following week that we should go the Royal Rumble in Houston, he said “we’re
not flying together and we’re getting separate rooms” and I didn’t put up a
fight.
____
I
returned to Drag Queen Game Night, which made its triumphant return to The
Saloon after a 3-year (?) hiatus. I was honored to be asked to be in the return
cast, which B. Louise told me she thought of very carefully and specifically.
Then in December, she said she was so excited for me to be there and that she
hoped I got called up to play games. “B, I’m in the show,” I said, and she was
mortified. I still made sure I said it onstage because that shit is funny, and
she was an excellent sport about it.
“Tonight
is 18+ night until 10:00, and then we have to kick all the underagers out,” I
said. “Which will be great because we’ll watch all the creepy guys follow them
out the door right away. Where do all the little underagers go after 10:00? I’m
just kidding. I know. The answer is my ex-boyfriend’s house.” Old grudges die
hard. Half the room laughed and the other half gasped and kind of groaned, and I
didn't care. My ex-boyfriend’s boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend was in the show as
one of the go-go dancers with HIS ex-boyfriend who became his new boyfriend
again and he didn’t think it was funny, either. This is all completely normal.
“At least we’re winning,” he said during intermission, and my team won 5 out of
6 games and I got paid a hefty win bonus, SO THERE. Also, go to Drag Queen Game
Night next time it’s in town. Delta Mu works hard, treats their cast like
royalty, and it’s a great time.
I had fun
with my friends that stayed, then went back to my room at the AC Marriott like
a sad clown. However, the following day would be better because I was sharing a
room with Jared across town at the Radisson Red as he was celebrating his
birthday! Unfortunately, his bag was at his friend’s house and it was a major
snafu getting that together, so we stopped at Target for essentials and then
went to Joey’s dodgeball game. That’s right, Joey joined an intramural
dodgeball league and we wanted to be supportive like proud helicopter parents.
I thought there would be bleachers to sit on, but instead we had to sit on the
sidelines and I was mortified, not just about getting hit in the head, but
about touching the ball in any way because I didn’t want to disrupt gameplay or
ruin the outcome at all. 70% of the dodgeball players could have kicked my ass
(that does not include Joey). One player looked like he was about 12 and my
Cancerian instincts made me sad every time he got eliminated. “Not my special
boy!” I may have cried out at one point.,
We napped
at the very fancy Raddison Red, then went to The Eagle to watch the Super Bowl.
Steve showed up for a little bit and then said he was bringing his boyfriend to
The Saloon, and I got so anxious that I bit my lip so bad to the point it
looked like a puffer fish. They didn’t show up anyway.
Birthdays
continued as Sean and Casey celebrated upon the entrance of Pisces Season.
Their birthdays are two days apart, so they usually have a joint birthday
party. I was anxious at their last birthday, too, and that was for no reason at
all! I am burying the lead, that I was still acting horrendous to Steve and
constantly shitposting and not letting things the fuck go. I knew he was
going to the party. I didn’t know if he was bringing the boyfriend, because I deleted
both of them on Snapchat during a therapy session because Steve was arguing
with me about a Tweet about a Snapchat while I was on my way to therapy in a
blizzard, but then I added Steve a few hours later anyway. But I felt it would
have been immature to text Casey or Sean or Charlie asking them if he was
there. What should I name him? I could give him a very trendy, sexy twink name.
Jaxon. Let’s go with Jaxon. I tried to be cute and ask Sean if they were at The
Saloon yet, and he encouraged me to just go to the apartment. Sigh.
Sean
lived above the Whole Foods, so I bought a bottle of vodka as a birthday gift.
WE CARD ANYONE WHO LOOKS UNDER 35, their sign said in capital letters, and I
was not carded. Did I mention I was obsessing about not being 20?
I knocked
on the door and walked into a game of Catchphrase. Casey was there with his
handsome boyfriend Mark, and Sean was there with his handsome friend Dragon,
and Charlie was there, and Steve was there with Jaxon. I avoided eye contact
and immediately started pouring a drink after giving my gifts, then joined in
the game of Catchphrase, where you had to drink if it got buzzed out on you.
The adults had booze and Jaxon had a Capri Sun juice box. I WANTED TO JUMP OUT
THE WINDOW.
I decided
that defenestration would have inconvenienced the birthday party, so I stood
between the birthday boys like they were sturdy railings. I could handle this
awkwardness and be pleasant and fun to be around. Also, who doesn’t love
Catchphrase?
“I want
this so I don’t ever have to work again,” Jaxon giggled when it was time to
give his clue.
“SUGAR
DADDY,” everyone yelled, and I instinctively threw a napkin at Steve.
Later, we played a music game via Apple Music
so Sean had to lend me his iPhone as my trashy self still has an Android.
Everyone born before 1998 enjoyed it. “I only know songs from, like, last
year,” Jaxon whined as he continued getting last place. “Or things about
make-up.” Steve looked at him lovingly as if he had just won the Nobel Prize
for Literature. I swallowed my own screams. Charlie wowed all of us by
correctly identifying the most hip-hop songs of the early ‘90s. Who knew??
Steve and Jaxon left without saying good-bye and when I later texted Steve to
inform him that an architect designs buildings and Dick Cheney was the 43rd
Vice President of the United States, it was for absolutely no reason.
Sean’s
birthday celebrations continued later that month at The Saloon, when we
accidentally ended up in The Tank! Sean bought a harness. I walked around
shirtless and terrified everyone. It felt like we were in a Golden Girls
episode, like the one where they end up at the nudist colony. Then Broski
messaged me that he was at the ‘90s with Todd. I panicked when I stood in line
at the ‘90s and realized I didn’t have my ID! The bouncer had just turned
someone away with no ID! I convinced the bouncer that I used to work here once
a week for a year, honest, and I narrated bad gay porn because my parents are
very proud! He let me in and it was a thrill to see all my favorite queens,
including our own Mercedes Iman Diamond, now an international superstar.
I did not
have a Valentine.
_______
March was
a month of CONCERTS! I panicked because my work schedule got screwed up despite
my asking for a bunch of nights off. It all ultimately worked out, and I was
thankful to my boss. Dane and I ventured to St. Paul to see Robyn! Dane
actually was a Robyn fan before I was and saw her famous show at First Avenue.
We agreed that we would see her together if she ever came back to town … and
then she didn’t for eight years! Robyn was going through it for a while. Every
interview I read with her was more melancholy than the last. “I was under a
blanket of sadness and I could not get out of it,” she would tell a reporter
wondering why her newest album wasn’t as fast as Body Talk.
We had
pre-drinks at Amsterdam (maybe too many). My friend Ashley was there and she
was with all the attractive Instagays and even asked if I wanted to walk with
them, but Dane just ordered a fruity drink! We ran to Walgreens and were annoying
customers who ran in at the last minute. We needed energy drinks because we are
in our thirties now.
The
opener was a DJ, and the venue is standing only. We were anxious because we
didn’t know when she was starting! Also, it was raining very heavily so the
weather necessitated bringing coats, and the line was rather long. I didn’t
mind so much because I got to see Detox when she walked in, as she was
headlining the afterparty later that night. I also had my former journalism
ears at high alert. “When she does ‘Dancing on My Own’,” a young woman advised
her companion, “That’s when you want to get in line for coat check.” I usually
don’t like knowing a setlist when I go to a concert as I love the element of
surprise, but I felt this was a very helpful tip. All I could think of when I
was in the long line for coat check was how much this was going to suck after
the concert was over to get our coats back.
I won’t
be able to do the Robyn concert justice as it’s been too long, but this review sums up the experience perfectly.
Dane and I were on the floor but in the back nestled between tall people. For a
few minutes I was bummed because I wasn’t dancing with the beautiful Instagays,
but then I realized that was crap. Dane is the biggest Robyn superfan I
know, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and if I wasn’t with him
during the concert, I would have been texting him the entire time.
I’m in the corner
Watching you kiss her
I’m right over here
Why can’t you see me
The new
Palace Theater in St. Paul was purchased by the owners of First Avenue.
So far away but still so near
The lights go on, the music dies
But you don’t see me standing here
I just came to say good-bye
They made
out right in front of me last time I was at First Avenue! That is so fucking
rank. He would always claim neither one of them saw me coming. I will always
think they knew.
It’s been
six months. Why am I still so hurt by the whole thing as if it was yesterday?
Why can’t I move on?
Old
wounds die hard. Also: Go to the First Avenue exhibit at the St. Paul
Historical Center! Charlie and I went and you can share your First Avenue
memories, and I do have other ones besides Steve and Jaxon sucking face,
including going to a wrestling show and Molly Holly taking a picture of me with
Sunny!
Robyn's dancer came to the aftershow and did the “Human Being”
dance with Detox! It was everything.
I’m giving it my all
But I’m not the girl you’re taking home
I keep dancing on my own
____
The
concerts continued when my good judy Darren and I went to go see MARIAH
FREAKING CAREY. Seeing her twice in one year? Never let me complain.
Darren’s
friends are all very nice, but every time we hang out the socioeconomic
differences are very apparent, especially since the pre-show meal was at Marin.
And I got there before Darren! I got the least expensive thing on the menu. I
overdrafted that night anyway, but my GTFO hoodie and tote bag was worth it! So
there!
Mariah
started an hour late, but for her, that is on time. And she was sooo good. Oh
my god. I sincerely apologize to the man sitting next to me, as I knew all the
words to everything. It was very different from her Vegas show, because on this
one she strayed away from her famous songs and just did whatever the hell she
wanted to, including a deep cut from the Me. I am Mariah: The Elusive
Chanteuse album, which I listened to eight thousand times in a different
painful chapter of my life. SHE ALSO DID AN ENTIRE GLITTER MEDLEY!!!
#justiceforglitter
Darren
was the perfect person to attend with, as he is just as much of a lamb as I am
and he can actually hit the high register notes and sound like he is singing.
I, on the other hand, sounded like a feral kitten with its tail stepped on. But
did that stop me? Hell no! COME BACK BABY PLEASE CUZ WE BELONG
TOGETHERRRRRRRRRR
I was
beginning to feel a bit under the weather later that week, but I thought I was
just tired. My boss asked if I could come in at 9 AM and work a half shift that
Saturday. I was pensive, because Charlie and I were going to Turtle Lake the
night before to see Jo Dee Messina, but my boss had been so flexible, and I
thought it best to recipirocate. On the way to the concert, my stomach was
hurting, so Charlie and I stopped at a gas station to get some Tums. The
concert was fun and Jo Dee Messina was great. (Also, she started ON TIME and
went 50 minutes) I gambled a little bit on The Voice slot machine, but
stopped when my $20 went down to $7.15 (my birthday!), as I declared that to be
a sign.
I’m
sorry, children. I killed Mona, my beloved Toyota Yaris. I didn’t look when
they towed her away. I cried and cried. Richard is a four-door, but it’s a
subcompact so I still can’t drive passengers for Uber or Lyft! Steve even
graciously sent me a referral code despite my chronic assholism. Spell check
did not come for assholism, which I find interesting. Huh.
Anyway, Jared and I went to The Westin and I napped and pre-gamed, and the theme was SHORT SHORTS, so we wore somewhat decent clothing and met up with Joey at First Avenue for their Flip Phone show! Farrah Moan and Phi Phi O’Hara were great. Jared wasn’t feeling well and went home earlier, and Joey and I went to The Saloon, where we had a conversation so deep that I didn’t even talk to Broski!
I woke up
the next morning feeling TERRIBLE. And not in a hangover way, but in a way that
was like part anxiety attack, part paralysis, part fever, part begging for
death. Jared was watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians and I
kept having a fever dream that I was on the show.
___
JAKEY, JOEY, and JARED are all sitting at a
fancy table in a Casablasas home.
JOEY: So, like, what’s going on with you and
Steve? I don’t think you should even be talking to him anymore.
JARED: I, like, don’t get it. Oh my god, Joey.
Your hair.
JOEY: Thanks. I went to John Paul Sebastian on
Sunset.
JAKEY: You guys, stop judging me. It’s St.
Patrick’s Day. We should all be friends. Do you know I’m way more Irish than I
thought I was?
JOEY: That explains your drinking.
JARED: My mother is Irish. I’m, like, offended.
JOEY: Aren’t you, like, everything?
JARED: If you just want to be nice to him, then
you, like, need to be nice to Jaxon.
JAKEY: I am so nice to Jaxon. I never
said anything derogatory. To his face.
JARED: Girl, your Twitter.
Jared pulls up his phone and scrolls through
Jakey’s Twitter feed.
JARED: Note the time stamps are all between 2
and 6 A.M., Donald Trump.
JAKEY: I have feelings about the whole thing.
JOEY: You’re allowed to have feelings. You don’t
need to broadcast them to everyone constantly.
JAKEY: Spoken like a true Irish Catholic.
JARED: If you’re gonna be angry, you need to be
angry at Steve and no one else. Jaxon didn’t do anything to you.
JAKEY: All the pictures, and the posing, and the
posting ….
JARED: Was it on your wall? Did he tag you? Send
them to you directly? Nothing to you. It’s all about Steve.
JAKEY: Not a good movie.
JOEY: No.
JARED: Do you think anyone else is gonna want to
date you if you’re showing your crazy on full display? You’re supposed to hide
that until they’re already sucked in!
JOEY: You don’t need to look at me when you say
that.
JARED: Yeah, Steve should have let you know
about Jaxon from himself instead of Facebook. He didn’t. But guess what? It’s
been six months. You’re 32, he’s 20, and guess who’s acting more mature?
JAKEY: … Me?
KRIS JENNER walks in.
KRIS JENNER: Hey, girls. What are you doing in
my house?
JAKEY: This isn’t my house?
KRIS JENNER: No. Your net worth is -$15,000.
JAKEY: Oh, I’m not a rich author in this dream
sequence?
JARED: Jakey, everything in this house is white!
You wouldn’t last a day without spilling!
KRIS JENNER: But you’re still my good
friend. You look terrible.
JAKEY: Do you have a surgeon you can recommend?
KRIS JENNER: No, like, you look ill. Kris
puts her hand on his forehead. Oh my god. You guys. Have you gone to an
urgent care?
JAKEY: But, Kris Jenner! It’s St. Patrick’s Day!
KRIS JENNER: Oh my god. Has no one called
Loretta?
JARED: You’re friends with Loretta in this
dream?
KRIS JENNER: I have a feeling she can’t stand
me, but yes.
CONFESSIONAL - LORETTA
LORETTA: Kris Jenner only calls me for two
reasons: When something is wrong with Jacob, or when Khloe’s bowel movements
are irregular. Can you fix this lighting? I look like I’ve had a bunch of work
done and I don’t like it.
JAKEY: What do you and Loretta even do?
KRIS JENNER: We’re in the same bowling league
and in a group for mothers concerned about their mentally ill adult children. I
counted Kanye as mine.
JAKEY: I’m really dizzy …
KRIS JENNER: Oh my god. Did you get your flu
shot?
JAKEY: Whatt …..?
JOEY: The flu? Again?
JARED: Germs!!!!!
JAKEY: Let’s text Steve and blame him and Jaxon
for this.
JOEY, JARED, & KRIS: No!!!!!
_____
Yes,
children. For the second spring in a row, I was diagnosed with Influenza. Last
year it was Influenza B like a rare seal, but this year it was good old boring
Influenza A. GET YOUR FLU SHOT. I went home but told Jared he could keep the
hotel room for the night. It was already booked, and I didn’t think he was
gonna get extravagant room service (if anything, I shouldn’t have rented Can
You Ever Forgive Me?, which I slept through even though I had already read
the screenplay)
There is
no FOMO like an alcoholic with the flu on St. Patrick’s Day. It was like being
a sick child on Christmas. I missed two days at work and laid in bed as a
shivering mess. A year before, I had the flu on Valentine’s Day! I should
already prepare on having it for Easter next year to complete the spring
holiday trifecta.
_____
I ended
April by celebrating Reid’s birthday in Chicago! I was so proud of myself for
booking my own flight on Southwest Airlines. It’s the little things, really,
when you forget how to be an adult for a year. Reid was brought to the Windy
City by his work and thought it would be fun to have me as a sidekick for
Saturday and Sunday while we stayed in an apartment building.
I had
never flown Southwest before, but boarding wasn’t as awkward as I thought it
would be. The only drawback was that, IN THE LAST WEEKEND OF APRIL, it was
snowing!!!! My flight was only delayed by half an hour but I chose to take it
as an insult, especially since other people I know were going to be vacationing
in Florida a week later.
I took
the orange train to meet Reid at “our” apartment, and I didn’t screw up until I
got off the train for my stop and went the wrong way on the street. At this
point, I impressed myself with my savvy and took a taxi cab to the apartment!
Reid was resting as his actual birthday was the night before, and we had a nice
quiet day before going shopping! We went to Nordstrom and Nordstrom Rack
and walked by stores where we couldn’t afford socks. Then we went to Boystown
where shared an UberPOOL with a cute boy with a very WASPY name but now I can’t
remember it, because this is what happens when you destroy your brain with
alcohol and blog every six months instead of every week. Sigh. Tanner? Carter?
Something third generation like that. Then we went home and All About Steve
was on TV, and it really is a bad movie.
The next
day we went to breakfast at Lou Mitchell’s, an iconic restaurant off the old
Route 66. Then Reid went to the writer’s museum with me! It’s my favorite nerdy
thing and a cute boy checked our bags. OK, maybe that was a Tanner. Or
Cooper. Or Ryder? Oh, Chicago. I am going back.
Later
that night it was Britney night at Roscoe’s, and they played ALL BRITNEY. When
I walked in, they were playing “Autumn Goodbye”, which was on the B-side of
“...Baby One More Time”! IT IS MY FAVORITE BRITNEY SONG EVER. I AM ANCIENT.
Because of the horrible weather, Derrick Barry was stranded so did another
night of shows for free, and I felt less butt-hurt about missing her, Willam,
Akeria and Plastique on the Thursday before (Plastique was in Minneapolis that
night).
My flight
the next day back was at 10 PM (she’s on a budget!), so I went with Reid to the
airport and then took the train back to Chinatown to meet with my high school
friend Julie, who went to college in North Park to study ministry and never looked
back. She is working as a pastor and we had a wonderful time over Connie’s
Pizza. She graciously drove me back to the train after our meal.
“I really
think you’re quite brilliant”, she said, and she didn’t even take it back when
I tried to exit the vehicle while still wearing my seatbelt.
It’s Gonna Be May
We will
end May with the most fangirl weekend of my life!!
Cher was
in town at The Xcel! And no, I did not go because I have been spending far too
much. But I did go to the after show starring Chad Michaels at the
Amsterdam! I first saw Chad live in Denver when we went to Pride, and then had
the flu last time she was here! (The first time, that Valentine’s Day, and
Steve was like “You’re ditching me?” I was sweating and shivering at the same time,
bro!)
I was all
dressed up, as I wore the blazer that Darren left at my house two Christmases
ago and I never gave it back. Chad did “It’s a Woman’s World” and I died even
before the meet and greet. When I did, I was nervous because I was by myself and
the lady behind me was talking for a long time!
“IFIRSTSAWYOUINDENVERYOUWEREGREAT,”I
said.
“I love
Denver,” Chad said.
“THENIGOTTHEFLULASTTIMEYOUWEREHERE,”
I said.
“I’m so
sorry to hear that,” Chad said.
“IT’S
OK,” I said. “GETYOURFLUSHOT.,”
I guess
you could say I was a little excited.
The next
day: Holy buckets!!
First, Steve and I went to the mall drag show at Rosedale. And I already screwed things up because I realized the show I was going to after was an hour earlier than I planned on! OH NO! I drove my car back to the house and took an Uber back to the mall.
So, this
mall show! Flip Phone booked a great cast of local and nationally renowned
queens for a family-friendly show in the mall, and local evangelicals went
crazy. Steve and I were sitting right by the runway and he was worried that the
keyboard warriors would actually show up (spoiler alert: they didn't).
“If there
is an active shooter, we should hide under there,” he said without a trace of
irony, and began looking for the exits. Thankfully, the only dangerous thing
about the show was how FIERCE the queens were! Okay, I could have done way
better with that analogy. Carson Kressley was a hilarious host, always telling
the audience that they could go get something at Zumies, and the queens were
all fabulous. The best part was seeing their look of surprise when they first
came out and saw the audience, in broad daylight, consisting of young and old
(and mostly sober), excited to see them perform. It was very touching to see
little kids tip the drag queens, but I really felt something seeing the tweens
with their supportive parents there. It's a way of the world saying, "I
see you and I got you", y'know?
I
terrified all of them at the meet and greet with my energy, but I was worried
about taking too much of their time! And they're all so damn tiny! I almost
clotheslined Trinity Taylor and Peppermint graciously helped me up. Carson was
probably wondering where I got the coke from.
Later
that day, I was off to the U of M to see the last show of the "My Favorite
Murder" tour with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark!
Unlike most times, at this show I was not nervous at all about being alone, or being the only boy (although I did see two nice gays from work and was excited about them being Murderinos). I was strangely relaxed as I listened to a live podcast about murder. I was only nervous during the meet and greet, because I was one of the last people, and we were also the very last show of the tour, and I couldn't imagine how exhausted they were. However, they were so nice. They HUGGED. They were genuine. Georgia's husband Vince took a bunch of pictures. I didn't even care about how horrible my hair looked. Okay, maybe a little bit. I'm on Propecia, y'all. God.
Of course, I am leaving out so much. Lots of unrequited crushes, drama that kept on repeating itself, the same show every weekend.
I am moving to Whittier in two weeks.
Next time, whenever that is: The Pride episode! My birthday episode!
