Thursday, July 11, 2019

Loring Park 2019

ello, dear reader. We are at the halfway point of summer. I feel I have nothing to be proud of. However, the last six months have been very evetful. While I apologize for how abridged this will be, I am blessed to have visited two different cities, stayed at the Westin two weeks in a row (I CAN EXPLAIN), and saw several amazing shows, including one by the legendary Mariah NoLastName Carey.



So if I focus on all of this stuff and not the fact that my finances and profession have not improved in any way, and that I still have invested far too much time and energy and ideas of self-worth in THE THING, life isn’t half-bad. Let’s begin.



The Princess of Arizona



There is no Arizona

No painted desert, no sedona

If there was a Grand Canyon

She could fill it up with the lies he told her

But they don’t exist

Those dreams they sold her

She’ll wake up and find there is no Arizona



Remember for my third annual 29th birthday when my brother gave me tickets to the Royal Rumble and a life showing of the “There’s Something to Wrestle With” podcast? That time of year finally came!



I was leery of traveling alone with my brother. The last trips I have taken were with any combination of Jared, Steve, and Joey, and you want to travel with your friends that know your quirks. (For example, Jared is going to sleep all the time but he’s gonna help me pack my bags in the morning. Joey will flirt with dangerous strangers but will be open for any new ideas. Steve is a Virgo and they make very good traveling buddies when it comes to logistics). My brother … I didn’t know. It was a city I wasn’t familiar with at all. I am a space cadet and he has a short fuse. Like Lilliputian short.



So of course it was a great omen that I couldn’t find my debit card right before we left, and that I didn’t realize this until we were already on the way to pick him up. We raced back to the house but it was nowhere to be found. My mother spotted my hopeless ass some cash. Then there was major traffic on the freeway (our flight left on a Saturday afternoon) and I was terrified of missing it. We were flying out of Terminal 2 via Sun Country, so having CLEAR wouldn’t benefit me this time. We made it to the flight with much time to spare, because it ended up being delayed, and we sat on the runway for what felt like forever. We were toward the back, surrounded by a screaming baby and an obnoxious dude who was trying to talk to everyone while we were in line, and then he kept talking his seatmate’s ear off about his personal training career and his Instagram and I ALREADY WANTED TO DIEEEEEEEE.



I had booked the hotel, and then the hotel had a hard time finding my reservation (I had booked it through Hotels Tonight), and by the time we finally got to the room, we realized it only had one bed. It would have been great if I were traveling with Finn Balor, but I was with my BROTHER. Also, I did not understand the shower at all - it was like an open room and you could sit down in it and everything, and there was a full-length mirror so you were forced to look at your own naked body the entire time. I added it to my Instagram story (a video of just the shower itself, not ME showering -- save that for the OnlyFans gays!) and a friend of mine with a sex life messaged me that “Jakey, that’s a fuck-me shower”. I know nothing!



I bought far too expensive shaving cream at the airport but didn’t buy a liquor bottle, and then I wanted to buy a bottle of vodka and the liquor store wasn’t within walking distance. My brother thought the idea of drinking in the room was a ridiculous concept. And maybe it was, but, again, I always travel with The Gays, and pre-gaming in the room has always been a thing. I took an Uber to the liquor store and got the same sexy sexy Guatemalan driver both times. Also, IN PHOENIX THEY HAVE DRIVE-UP LIQUOR STORES. WHAT IN THE WHAT.



I met up with Dane at the hotel bar, and then we didn’t even go out! We didn’t use the pool, either, because it was a very homophobic 50 degrees. We were surprised by how tired we both were, but we had just turned 32 and a half the week prior. Also, Phoenix is in Mountain Time so Saturday Night Live airs, y’know, LIVE, at 9:30 PM and I really think that just threw off my entire circadian rhythm. (I wish we had gone out, because my friend The Jason was out both nights and I didn’t get to see him. Boo!)



The next day was Rumble day! First, we walked around downtown Phoenix, where there was a bunch of signage for the Royal Rumble and WWE (similar to what Minneapolis has done when hosting things like the Final Four, All-Star Game, or Super Bowl. And yes, this is the most I have ever discussed sports in one blog. Come on in, gays, the water’s fine). Then we went to the Something to Wrestle With podcast, which was at a famous comedy club and now the name escapes me. The meet and greet was in the morning before the show, but Dane thought it was after so we missed it. Ugh!



The hosts, the affable Conrad Thompson and Bruce Pritchard (who, we would late learn, was finalizing meetings that weekend to re-join WWE as a writer), were great. They did their usual banter and then opened the floor up to questions. I raised my hand and a microphone was quickly put in my face. No pressure!



“Who surprised you the most by how good or how bad they were when they had to do an acting performance?” I asked. A big part of wrestling is the storyline aspect, the drama or soap opera if you will, and it’s always interesting to see who excels and falters.



“Great question,” said Bruce, and I felt like a star student. He said that Shawn Stasiak couldn’t talk to save his life, and Vickie Guerrero surprised him the most -- she even came up with the idea to be a TV character. (A woman with unconventional looks for the product, she had amazing heat as a heel during her run. If you don’t know what those words mean, why are you even reading the wrestling section of this blog?)



“Also, we want to thank you for betraying the stereotype about wrestling fans and bringing a Y chromosome in here,” said Conrad. It was a smart joke about me being a woman. You see, he couldn’t see me from the stage -- we were close, but I know from experience what lighting in a comedy club is like. This was similar to ACME Comedy Club, and you can only see the first two rows (if that) because of how things were lit. I hadn’t used my “dude voice” or lowered my register in any capacity, so it was an uncomfortable moment of misgendering, but I wasn’t upset by it. The people at our table awkwardly murmured, and I quickly hoped for the next question.



“HE THINKS YOU’RE A GIRL,” Dane said loud enough that they could hear him in Flagstaff.

“Yeah, I got it,” I said. I forgave Conrad immediately but now I was pissed at Dane.



The Q & A was still enjoyable until maybe the last few questions. Something to Wrestle With is one of the top, if not the top, pro wrestling podcast. Everyone wants a piece of that pie, right? So everyone with the last few questions (all dudes, mind you, so Conrad had a point, although there were two women with their boyfriends or husbands at our table -- the inverse of a My Favorite Murder live podcast) felt it was necessary to, before asking their question, PLUG THEIR OWN PODCAST BEFORE THE QUESTION. One dude had such a long preamble I thought I was on Game of Thrones.



Bruce signed 8 x 10’s for the VIP’s after the show, and was very nice to my brother and me. I even joked that I was the lady who asked the first question.



We soon walked to Chase Field, where it was time for the Royal Rumble! The line was insanely long, and Dane and I quickly walked around the building and used the side entrance that no one else seemed to be using. Fools, all of them!



I won’t bore with you with details of the entire show, but I will share the highlights and lowlights.



Highlights:


*The first match being Asuka vs. Becky Lynch, because when Asuka was here for TLC in Minneapolis in her WWE debut, I WAS IN LINE FOR MINI DONUTS.



*My husband Finn Balor.



*Seeing Ronda Rousey live was a real treat.



*The boy next to me who drove up from Mexico and knew the product way better than I did, especially a lot of the surprise entrants in the women’s royal rumble from NXT or NXT UK, who I knew hardly anything about.,





*The boy next to Dane who may have been on the spectrum and watched it like it was real. He would say things like “I don’t like Alexa Bliss because she is a brat”, and his enthusiasm was infectious.



*NIA JAX ENTERING THE MEN’S ROYAL RUMBLE AT #30, ELIMINATING MUSTAFA ALI, THEN TAKING A SUPERKICK, THE 619, AND THE RKO. THE CROWD WENT APESH FOR ALL OF THIS.



BECKY LYNCH TAKING LANA’S SPOT AND ENTERING THE ROYAL RUMBLE AND WINNING THE ROYAL RUMBLE. THE CROWD WENT APESHIT FOR ALL OF THIS. It was one of those things in wrestling where the outcome is a foregone conclusion but the execution is so great that it doesn’t matter.



Lowlights:



The show was way too damn long. My brother argued that it was the structure of the show (two rumble matches on one card, for one thing), but there were too many matches as well. WrestleMania was even longer, to the point that the main event started at MIDNIGHT and thousands of people were stranded in the New Jersey rain because the last train had already departed.



The Women’s Royal Rumble had surprise entrants with new wrestlers, but no one came back for a surprise, unlike last year which had Trish, Lita, Torrie Wilson, Jacqueline, et cetera. That was a major letdown.



THE ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE OF A WOMAN SITTING IN FRONT OF US. During the very first match, my brother cheered and she turned around and told him to be quiet. We were at a WWE pay-per-view in a baseball stadium, not a freaking library. At first I felt bad for not responding, but Dane held his own very well, and she never complained during the rest of the show. The girl behind us also made snarky comments, so it was like we were all on the same side. I also found it notable that her husband and twentysomething kids were stone cold silent the entire time, as if they expected it. Literally ten seconds before Seth Rollins won the men’s royal rumble, thereby ending the show, she turned to her husband and said they should leave to beat the traffic. He rolled his eyes and got up without saying anything. He was used to this. “Or we can wait,” she said, therefore making it all his fault. They left and the show was over before they probably got to the top of the stairs. The woman was terrible and I wanted to apologize to Steve for every single stupid fight we ever had.



As for the flight back home, I am a slow riser in the morning, so Dane called my bluff when I told him to go without me. I made my flight back by the skin of my teeth. I used CLEAR at the airport, had to dump out all the liquids in my bag (including the expensive shaving cream and the bottle of vodka), and yelled “Fuck you” to Dane as I made it to the gate with two seconds to spare. I had become the horrible woman from the wrestling show! When I told Dane the following week that we should go the Royal Rumble in Houston, he said “we’re not flying together and we’re getting separate rooms” and I didn’t put up a fight.



____




I returned to Drag Queen Game Night, which made its triumphant return to The Saloon after a 3-year (?) hiatus. I was honored to be asked to be in the return cast, which B. Louise told me she thought of very carefully and specifically. Then in December, she said she was so excited for me to be there and that she hoped I got called up to play games. “B, I’m in the show,” I said, and she was mortified. I still made sure I said it onstage because that shit is funny, and she was an excellent sport about it.



“Tonight is 18+ night until 10:00, and then we have to kick all the underagers out,” I said. “Which will be great because we’ll watch all the creepy guys follow them out the door right away. Where do all the little underagers go after 10:00? I’m just kidding. I know. The answer is my ex-boyfriend’s house.” Old grudges die hard. Half the room laughed and the other half gasped and kind of groaned, and I didn't care. My ex-boyfriend’s boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend was in the show as one of the go-go dancers with HIS ex-boyfriend who became his new boyfriend again and he didn’t think it was funny, either. This is all completely normal. “At least we’re winning,” he said during intermission, and my team won 5 out of 6 games and I got paid a hefty win bonus, SO THERE. Also, go to Drag Queen Game Night next time it’s in town. Delta Mu works hard, treats their cast like royalty, and it’s a great time.



I had fun with my friends that stayed, then went back to my room at the AC Marriott like a sad clown. However, the following day would be better because I was sharing a room with Jared across town at the Radisson Red as he was celebrating his birthday! Unfortunately, his bag was at his friend’s house and it was a major snafu getting that together, so we stopped at Target for essentials and then went to Joey’s dodgeball game. That’s right, Joey joined an intramural dodgeball league and we wanted to be supportive like proud helicopter parents. I thought there would be bleachers to sit on, but instead we had to sit on the sidelines and I was mortified, not just about getting hit in the head, but about touching the ball in any way because I didn’t want to disrupt gameplay or ruin the outcome at all. 70% of the dodgeball players could have kicked my ass (that does not include Joey). One player looked like he was about 12 and my Cancerian instincts made me sad every time he got eliminated. “Not my special boy!” I may have cried out at one point.,



We napped at the very fancy Raddison Red, then went to The Eagle to watch the Super Bowl. Steve showed up for a little bit and then said he was bringing his boyfriend to The Saloon, and I got so anxious that I bit my lip so bad to the point it looked like a puffer fish. They didn’t show up anyway.



Birthdays continued as Sean and Casey celebrated upon the entrance of Pisces Season. Their birthdays are two days apart, so they usually have a joint birthday party. I was anxious at their last birthday, too, and that was for no reason at all! I am burying the lead, that I was still acting horrendous to Steve and constantly shitposting and not letting things the fuck go. I knew he was going to the party. I didn’t know if he was bringing the boyfriend, because I deleted both of them on Snapchat during a therapy session because Steve was arguing with me about a Tweet about a Snapchat while I was on my way to therapy in a blizzard, but then I added Steve a few hours later anyway. But I felt it would have been immature to text Casey or Sean or Charlie asking them if he was there. What should I name him? I could give him a very trendy, sexy twink name. Jaxon. Let’s go with Jaxon. I tried to be cute and ask Sean if they were at The Saloon yet, and he encouraged me to just go to the apartment. Sigh.

Sean lived above the Whole Foods, so I bought a bottle of vodka as a birthday gift. WE CARD ANYONE WHO LOOKS UNDER 35, their sign said in capital letters, and I was not carded. Did I mention I was obsessing about not being 20? 

I knocked on the door and walked into a game of Catchphrase. Casey was there with his handsome boyfriend Mark, and Sean was there with his handsome friend Dragon, and Charlie was there, and Steve was there with Jaxon. I avoided eye contact and immediately started pouring a drink after giving my gifts, then joined in the game of Catchphrase, where you had to drink if it got buzzed out on you. The adults had booze and Jaxon had a Capri Sun juice box. I WANTED TO JUMP OUT THE WINDOW.


I decided that defenestration would have inconvenienced the birthday party, so I stood between the birthday boys like they were sturdy railings. I could handle this awkwardness and be pleasant and fun to be around. Also, who doesn’t love Catchphrase?



“I want this so I don’t ever have to work again,” Jaxon giggled when it was time to give his clue.

“SUGAR DADDY,” everyone yelled, and I instinctively threw a napkin at Steve.

 Later, we played a music game via Apple Music so Sean had to lend me his iPhone as my trashy self still has an Android. Everyone born before 1998 enjoyed it. “I only know songs from, like, last year,” Jaxon whined as he continued getting last place. “Or things about make-up.” Steve looked at him lovingly as if he had just won the Nobel Prize for Literature. I swallowed my own screams. Charlie wowed all of us by correctly identifying the most hip-hop songs of the early ‘90s. Who knew?? Steve and Jaxon left without saying good-bye and when I later texted Steve to inform him that an architect designs buildings and Dick Cheney was the 43rd Vice President of the United States, it was for absolutely no reason.

Sean’s birthday celebrations continued later that month at The Saloon, when we accidentally ended up in The Tank! Sean bought a harness. I walked around shirtless and terrified everyone. It felt like we were in a Golden Girls episode, like the one where they end up at the nudist colony. Then Broski messaged me that he was at the ‘90s with Todd. I panicked when I stood in line at the ‘90s and realized I didn’t have my ID! The bouncer had just turned someone away with no ID! I convinced the bouncer that I used to work here once a week for a year, honest, and I narrated bad gay porn because my parents are very proud! He let me in and it was a thrill to see all my favorite queens, including our own Mercedes Iman Diamond, now an international superstar.



I did not have a Valentine.

_______



March was a month of CONCERTS! I panicked because my work schedule got screwed up despite my asking for a bunch of nights off. It all ultimately worked out, and I was thankful to my boss. Dane and I ventured to St. Paul to see Robyn! Dane actually was a Robyn fan before I was and saw her famous show at First Avenue. We agreed that we would see her together if she ever came back to town … and then she didn’t for eight years! Robyn was going through it for a while. Every interview I read with her was more melancholy than the last. “I was under a blanket of sadness and I could not get out of it,” she would tell a reporter wondering why her newest album wasn’t as fast as Body Talk.

We had pre-drinks at Amsterdam (maybe too many). My friend Ashley was there and she was with all the attractive Instagays and even asked if I wanted to walk with them, but Dane just ordered a fruity drink! We ran to Walgreens and were annoying customers who ran in at the last minute. We needed energy drinks because we are in our thirties now.

The opener was a DJ, and the venue is standing only. We were anxious because we didn’t know when she was starting! Also, it was raining very heavily so the weather necessitated bringing coats, and the line was rather long. I didn’t mind so much because I got to see Detox when she walked in, as she was headlining the afterparty later that night. I also had my former journalism ears at high alert. “When she does ‘Dancing on My Own’,” a young woman advised her companion, “That’s when you want to get in line for coat check.” I usually don’t like knowing a setlist when I go to a concert as I love the element of surprise, but I felt this was a very helpful tip. All I could think of when I was in the long line for coat check was how much this was going to suck after the concert was over to get our coats back.



I won’t be able to do the Robyn concert justice as it’s been too long, but this review sums up the experience perfectly. Dane and I were on the floor but in the back nestled between tall people. For a few minutes I was bummed because I wasn’t dancing with the beautiful Instagays, but then I realized that was crap. Dane is the biggest Robyn superfan I know, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and if I wasn’t with him during the concert, I would have been texting him the entire time.



I’m in the corner

Watching you kiss her

I’m right over here

Why can’t you see me



The new Palace Theater in St. Paul was purchased by the owners of First Avenue.



So far away but still so near

The lights go on, the music dies

But you don’t see me standing here

I just came to say good-bye



They made out right in front of me last time I was at First Avenue! That is so fucking rank. He would always claim neither one of them saw me coming. I will always think they knew.



It’s been six months. Why am I still so hurt by the whole thing as if it was yesterday? Why can’t I move on?




Old wounds die hard. Also: Go to the First Avenue exhibit at the St. Paul Historical Center! Charlie and I went and you can share your First Avenue memories, and I do have other ones besides Steve and Jaxon sucking face, including going to a wrestling show and Molly Holly taking a picture of me with Sunny!



Robyn's dancer came to the aftershow and did the “Human Being” dance with Detox! It was everything.



I’m giving it my all

But I’m not the girl you’re taking home

I keep dancing on my own



____



The concerts continued when my good judy Darren and I went to go see MARIAH FREAKING CAREY. Seeing her twice in one year? Never let me complain.



Darren’s friends are all very nice, but every time we hang out the socioeconomic differences are very apparent, especially since the pre-show meal was at Marin. And I got there before Darren! I got the least expensive thing on the menu. I overdrafted that night anyway, but my GTFO hoodie and tote bag was worth it! So there!



Mariah started an hour late, but for her, that is on time. And she was sooo good. Oh my god. I sincerely apologize to the man sitting next to me, as I knew all the words to everything. It was very different from her Vegas show, because on this one she strayed away from her famous songs and just did whatever the hell she wanted to, including a deep cut from the Me. I am Mariah: The Elusive Chanteuse album, which I listened to eight thousand times in a different painful chapter of my life. SHE ALSO DID AN ENTIRE GLITTER MEDLEY!!! #justiceforglitter 


Darren was the perfect person to attend with, as he is just as much of a lamb as I am and he can actually hit the high register notes and sound like he is singing. I, on the other hand, sounded like a feral kitten with its tail stepped on. But did that stop me? Hell no! COME BACK BABY PLEASE CUZ WE BELONG TOGETHERRRRRRRRRR


I was beginning to feel a bit under the weather later that week, but I thought I was just tired. My boss asked if I could come in at 9 AM and work a half shift that Saturday. I was pensive, because Charlie and I were going to Turtle Lake the night before to see Jo Dee Messina, but my boss had been so flexible, and I thought it best to recipirocate. On the way to the concert, my stomach was hurting, so Charlie and I stopped at a gas station to get some Tums. The concert was fun and Jo Dee Messina was great. (Also, she started ON TIME and went 50 minutes) I gambled a little bit on The Voice slot machine, but stopped when my $20 went down to $7.15 (my birthday!), as I declared that to be a sign.


The next morning, I was absolutely exhausted at work. “You look TERRIBLE,” said a co-worker. I chalked it up to no sleep and took a quick catnap at home while waiting for Jared, who was making his way to my place before we drove down to the Westin in my Honda Fit named Richard.



I’m sorry, children. I killed Mona, my beloved Toyota Yaris. I didn’t look when they towed her away. I cried and cried. Richard is a four-door, but it’s a subcompact so I still can’t drive passengers for Uber or Lyft! Steve even graciously sent me a referral code despite my chronic assholism. Spell check did not come for assholism, which I find interesting. Huh.




Anyway, Jared and I went to The Westin and I napped and pre-gamed, and the theme was SHORT SHORTS, so we wore somewhat decent clothing and met up with Joey at First Avenue for their Flip Phone show! Farrah Moan and Phi Phi O’Hara were great. Jared wasn’t feeling well and went home earlier, and Joey and I went to The Saloon, where we had a conversation so deep that I didn’t even talk to Broski!



I woke up the next morning feeling TERRIBLE. And not in a hangover way, but in a way that was like part anxiety attack, part paralysis, part fever, part begging for death. Jared was watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians  and I kept having a fever dream that I was on the show.



___





JAKEY, JOEY, and JARED are all sitting at a fancy table in a Casablasas home.



JOEY: So, like, what’s going on with you and Steve? I don’t think you should even be talking to him anymore.

JARED: I, like, don’t get it. Oh my god, Joey. Your hair.

JOEY: Thanks. I went to John Paul Sebastian on Sunset.

JAKEY: You guys, stop judging me. It’s St. Patrick’s Day. We should all be friends. Do you know I’m way more Irish than I thought I was?

JOEY: That explains your drinking.

JARED: My mother is Irish. I’m, like, offended.

JOEY: Aren’t you, like, everything?

JARED: If you just want to be nice to him, then you, like, need to be nice to Jaxon.

JAKEY: I am so nice to Jaxon. I never said anything derogatory. To his face.

JARED: Girl, your Twitter.



Jared pulls up his phone and scrolls through Jakey’s Twitter feed.



JARED: Note the time stamps are all between 2 and 6 A.M., Donald Trump.

JAKEY: I have feelings about the whole thing.

JOEY: You’re allowed to have feelings. You don’t need to broadcast them to everyone constantly.

JAKEY: Spoken like a true Irish Catholic.

JARED: If you’re gonna be angry, you need to be angry at Steve and no one else. Jaxon didn’t do anything to you.

JAKEY: All the pictures, and the posing, and the posting ….

JARED: Was it on your wall? Did he tag you? Send them to you directly? Nothing to you. It’s all about Steve.

JAKEY: Not a good movie.

JOEY: No.

JARED: Do you think anyone else is gonna want to date you if you’re showing your crazy on full display? You’re supposed to hide that until they’re already sucked in!

JOEY: You don’t need to look at me when you say that.

JARED: Yeah, Steve should have let you know about Jaxon from himself instead of Facebook. He didn’t. But guess what? It’s been six months. You’re 32, he’s 20, and guess who’s acting more mature?

JAKEY: … Me? 



KRIS JENNER walks in.



KRIS JENNER: Hey, girls. What are you doing in my house?

JAKEY: This isn’t my house?

KRIS JENNER: No. Your net worth is -$15,000.

JAKEY: Oh, I’m not a rich author in this dream sequence?

JARED: Jakey, everything in this house is white! You wouldn’t last a day without spilling!

KRIS JENNER:  But you’re still my good friend. You look terrible.

JAKEY: Do you have a surgeon you can recommend?

KRIS JENNER: No, like, you look ill. Kris puts her hand on his forehead. Oh my god. You guys. Have you gone to an urgent care?

JAKEY: But, Kris Jenner! It’s St. Patrick’s Day!

KRIS JENNER: Oh my god. Has no one called Loretta?

JARED: You’re friends with Loretta in this dream?

KRIS JENNER: I have a feeling she can’t stand me, but yes.



CONFESSIONAL - LORETTA



LORETTA: Kris Jenner only calls me for two reasons: When something is wrong with Jacob, or when Khloe’s bowel movements are irregular. Can you fix this lighting? I look like I’ve had a bunch of work done and I don’t like it.



JAKEY: What do you and Loretta even do?

KRIS JENNER: We’re in the same bowling league and in a group for mothers concerned about their mentally ill adult children. I counted Kanye as mine. 

JAKEY: I’m really dizzy …

KRIS JENNER: Oh my god. Did you get your flu shot?

JAKEY: Whatt …..?

JOEY: The flu? Again?

JARED: Germs!!!!!

JAKEY: Let’s text Steve and blame him and Jaxon for this.

JOEY, JARED, & KRIS: No!!!!!

_____



Yes, children. For the second spring in a row, I was diagnosed with Influenza. Last year it was Influenza B like a rare seal, but this year it was good old boring Influenza A. GET YOUR FLU SHOT. I went home but told Jared he could keep the hotel room for the night. It was already booked, and I didn’t think he was gonna get extravagant room service (if anything, I shouldn’t have rented Can You Ever Forgive Me?, which I slept through even though I had already read the screenplay)



There is no FOMO like an alcoholic with the flu on St. Patrick’s Day. It was like being a sick child on Christmas. I missed two days at work and laid in bed as a shivering mess. A year before, I had the flu on Valentine’s Day! I should already prepare on having it for Easter next year to complete the spring holiday trifecta.



_____

I ended April by celebrating Reid’s birthday in Chicago! I was so proud of myself for booking my own flight on Southwest Airlines. It’s the little things, really, when you forget how to be an adult for a year. Reid was brought to the Windy City by his work and thought it would be fun to have me as a sidekick for Saturday and Sunday while we stayed in an apartment building. 



I had never flown Southwest before, but boarding wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. The only drawback was that, IN THE LAST WEEKEND OF APRIL, it was snowing!!!! My flight was only delayed by half an hour but I chose to take it as an insult, especially since other people I know were going to be vacationing in Florida a week later.



I took the orange train to meet Reid at “our” apartment, and I didn’t screw up until I got off the train for my stop and went the wrong way on the street. At this point, I impressed myself with my savvy and took a taxi cab to the apartment! Reid was resting as his actual birthday was the night before, and we had a nice quiet day before going shopping! We went to Nordstrom and Nordstrom Rack and walked by stores where we couldn’t afford socks. Then we went to Boystown where shared an UberPOOL with a cute boy with a very WASPY name but now I can’t remember it, because this is what happens when you destroy your brain with alcohol and blog every six months instead of every week. Sigh. Tanner? Carter? Something third generation like that. Then we went home and All About Steve was on TV, and it really is a bad movie.



The next day we went to breakfast at Lou Mitchell’s, an iconic restaurant off the old Route 66. Then Reid went to the writer’s museum with me! It’s my favorite nerdy thing and a cute boy checked our bags. OK, maybe that was a Tanner. Or Cooper. Or Ryder? Oh, Chicago. I am going back.



Later that night it was Britney night at Roscoe’s, and they played ALL BRITNEY. When I walked in, they were playing “Autumn Goodbye”, which was on the B-side of “...Baby One More Time”! IT IS MY FAVORITE BRITNEY SONG EVER. I AM ANCIENT. Because of the horrible weather, Derrick Barry was stranded so did another night of shows for free, and I felt less butt-hurt about missing her, Willam, Akeria and Plastique on the Thursday before (Plastique was in Minneapolis that night).



My flight the next day back was at 10 PM (she’s on a budget!), so I went with Reid to the airport and then took the train back to Chinatown to meet with my high school friend Julie, who went to college in North Park to study ministry and never looked back. She is working as a pastor and we had a wonderful time over Connie’s Pizza. She graciously drove me back to the train after our meal.



“I really think you’re quite brilliant”, she said, and she didn’t even take it back when I tried to exit the vehicle while still wearing my seatbelt.



It’s Gonna Be May



We will end May with the most fangirl weekend of my life!!



Cher was in town at The Xcel! And no, I did not go because I have been spending far too much. But I did go to the after show starring Chad Michaels at the Amsterdam! I first saw Chad live in Denver when we went to Pride, and then had the flu last time she was here! (The first time, that Valentine’s Day, and Steve was like “You’re ditching me?” I was sweating and shivering at the same time, bro!)



I was all dressed up, as I wore the blazer that Darren left at my house two Christmases ago and I never gave it back. Chad did “It’s a Woman’s World” and I died even before the meet and greet. When I did, I was nervous because I was by myself and the lady behind me was talking for a long time!



“IFIRSTSAWYOUINDENVERYOUWEREGREAT,”I said.

“I love Denver,” Chad said.

“THENIGOTTHEFLULASTTIMEYOUWEREHERE,” I said.

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Chad said.

“IT’S OK,” I said. “GETYOURFLUSHOT.,”







I guess you could say I was a little excited.



The next day: Holy buckets!!





First, Steve and I went to the mall drag show at Rosedale. And I already screwed things up because I realized the show I was going to after was an hour earlier than I planned on! OH NO! I drove my car back to the house and took an Uber back to the mall. 



So, this mall show! Flip Phone booked a great cast of local and nationally renowned queens for a family-friendly show in the mall, and local evangelicals went crazy. Steve and I were sitting right by the runway and he was worried that the keyboard warriors would actually show up (spoiler alert: they didn't).



“If there is an active shooter, we should hide under there,” he said without a trace of irony, and began looking for the exits. Thankfully, the only dangerous thing about the show was how FIERCE the queens were! Okay, I could have done way better with that analogy. Carson Kressley was a hilarious host, always telling the audience that they could go get something at Zumies, and the queens were all fabulous. The best part was seeing their look of surprise when they first came out and saw the audience, in broad daylight, consisting of young and old (and mostly sober), excited to see them perform. It was very touching to see little kids tip the drag queens, but I really felt something seeing the tweens with their supportive parents there. It's a way of the world saying, "I see you and I got you", y'know?



I terrified all of them at the meet and greet with my energy, but I was worried about taking too much of their time! And they're all so damn tiny! I almost clotheslined Trinity Taylor and Peppermint graciously helped me up. Carson was probably wondering where I got the coke from.



Later that day, I was off to the U of M to see the last show of the "My Favorite Murder" tour with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark!










Unlike most times, at this show I was not nervous at all about being alone, or being the only boy (although I did see two nice gays from work and was excited about them being Murderinos). I was strangely relaxed as I listened to a live podcast about murder. I was only nervous during the meet and greet, because I was one of the last people, and we were also the very last show of the tour, and I couldn't imagine how exhausted they were. However, they were so nice. They HUGGED. They were genuine. Georgia's husband Vince took a bunch of pictures. I didn't even care about how horrible my hair looked. Okay, maybe a little bit. I'm on Propecia, y'all. God.

Of course, I am leaving out so much. Lots of unrequited crushes, drama that kept on repeating itself, the same show every weekend.

I am moving to Whittier in two weeks.

Next time, whenever that is: The Pride episode! My birthday episode!



















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